@GavinProbably: I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink. Then I get kicked out.

@kidphonic: Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.

@myles_morrison: I'm not an alcoholic. I'm soberphobic.

@GauravBlue4ever: Church: Follow Jesus. Me: Does he follow back? Church: .. Me: .. Church: .. Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

@JohnLyonTweets: Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.