@DadZZZasleep: [on phone] me: honey I won some free tickets wife: cool, for what? me: speeding and resisting arrest wife: never heard of them

@bobvulfov: [i get run over by a bus] MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

@McGrumpenstein: POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but... SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

@Duke1173: As I get older and continue to meet new people... I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

@ddsmidt: If you love someone, tell them. If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it's probably not reciprocated.