shawn: [yawns] I’m tired
shaun: [yauns] me too
sean: [yeans] and me

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[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit


Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice


My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.


Dad, was I a cocky teenager?

Only when you watched Baywatch in your pyjam….



Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*


Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*


4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.


The real criminals are the recipes that suggest using apple sauce instead of butter


Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-


[The Rock gets crushed]