gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
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[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
A small tragedy.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
6. me as a lawyer
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv