@tweetsbyrocket
@comotethomas
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
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@comotethomas
@rickolantern
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
@Marlebean
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
@garrettbarry70
Dad, was I a cocky teenager?
Only when you watched Baywatch in your pyjam….
DAAAD!
@DrakeGatsby
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
@AimeeHelene1
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
@AGreaterMonster
*Flips over cards*
It was your TC in the KIK room with the retweeter.
@XplodingUnicorn
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
@VisionBored1
The real criminals are the recipes that suggest using apple sauce instead of butter
@HomeWithPeanut
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…