Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
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[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.