Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
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Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
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The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.