@lawking30

She asked for my name, if I’m alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.

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@AndyAsAdjective

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

@juliussharpe

I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.

@VerifiedDrunk

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

@HatfieldAnne

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

@MickSnark

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

@LionJenkins

Autocorrect just changed “Selfies” to “Selfless” so I just took a picture without me in it.

@vineyille

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

@girlnarly

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first