It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
She asked for my name, if I’m alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.
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I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
50% off moms tomorrow!
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Autocorrect just changed “Selfies” to “Selfless” so I just took a picture without me in it.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Everything is terrible but my son just texted me these beagulls.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first