@lawking30

She asked for my name, if I’m alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.

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@funnybeachgirl

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

@Xoolun

Cops: Jay X?

Me: Yes.

Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.

Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.

@ohthatbadger

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

@omgthatspunny

When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.

@iLikeCatShirts

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

@Mom_Overboard

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

@hello_saylor

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

@AntozWolf

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

@Gilapfeffer

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

@TheNYAMProject

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children