I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
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My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.