I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”