She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
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This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.