@earnestaugust

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

You Might Also Like

@debon7

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

@TheBoydP

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

@GrandadJFreeman

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

@Jn1fer

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

@MattTheBrand

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

@trojansauce

[alien in starbucks to make a cash withdrawal]

well, the name is misleading tbh

@ADHDeanASL

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs