stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Take that, diet!
-Me eating Oreos
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
[alien in starbucks to make a cash withdrawal]
well, the name is misleading tbh
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs