Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
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Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
me linking you to my twitter
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.