@tabsickle

She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.

She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.

- @tabsickle

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@Smooheed

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

@shanethevein

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

@cmfh111

me: I am going to get so much done…
same me: *loads two forks into the dishwasher* …tomorrow.

@dyldonot

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

@skittle624

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

@neiltyson

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

@1evilidiot

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

@tlcprincess

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

@Tmoney68

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.