@tabsickle

She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.

She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.

- @tabsickle

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@kcmoore51

Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason.

– kids

@daemonic3

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

@Robert_Beau

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

@TheReal_AndyMac

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

@iwearaonesie

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

@Skullcat

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

@DanMentos

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

@notfaizzy

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

@Sassafrantz

I just introduced my date as P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney because I forgot his name. How’s your night?

@JaySuch

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.