@NicestHippo

She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

@alexlumaga

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

@mister_blank

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

@ruinedpicnic

[puts scarf on snowman]
Girl: to keep u warm
Snowman: I am made of snow.
G: omg you’re alive!
S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid

@not_thenanny

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

@GoodZiIIa

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

@Marlebean

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

@SondraDeeMe

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

@robininthegreen

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

@Elizasoul80

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.