She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]

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My son asked me if mayonnaise was a mammal.

*cashes in college fund
*installs a pool in backyard


“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event


Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*


[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?


“Ed’s Plumbing”
Hi I think an engagement ring is stuck in my toilet
“ok when did your lady drop-”
She didn’t
I hid it in her dessert


MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*


“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”


Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire


“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States