My son asked me if mayonnaise was a mammal.
*cashes in college fund
*installs a pool in backyard
She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]
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“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: *starts sweating*
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Hi I think an engagement ring is stuck in my toilet
“ok when did your lady drop-”
I hid it in her dessert
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States