[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
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Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.