She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
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I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.