She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
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[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Goat cheese is for herders.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.