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Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?