@philyuck

She *blows into Nintendo cartridge* took *blows into Nintendo cartridge* the *blows into Nintendo cartridge* kids

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@Liffonmelsmork

It’s getting cold in here
So take off all your clothes
Then we can make a fire with them

@CornOnTheGoblin

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

@justabloodygame

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

@TheBoydP

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

@sliver_of

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

@singwithTaffy

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

@offbeatoliv

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

@CAshmanActor

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?