It’s getting cold in here
So take off all your clothes
Then we can make a fire with them
She *blows into Nintendo cartridge* took *blows into Nintendo cartridge* the *blows into Nintendo cartridge* kids
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my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?