She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
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I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what