My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
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A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Never trust an anti-aging lotion that has an expiry date.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.