She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

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My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.


A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.


Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?


Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.


I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.


harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets


Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face


When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.


To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.