She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
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Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
he chose this
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Mad Max: Furry Road
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you