big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
She changed her mind ..
Hope the new one works !!
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Revere rides a horse saying “The British are Coming”and it’s heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming “look at me”and it’s probation?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
If Kim Kardashian is allowed to sue Old Navy b/c a model looks like her, then Khloe Kardashian should expect a lawsuit from Chewbacca.
Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Marvel’s latest movie franchise follows an aging Peter Parker as he swaps crimefighting for medical studies in Spiderman: WebMD
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”