[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

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If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering


WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.


If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.


COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call



Hahaha stupid person… When it says 55mph it really means 64mph………Idiot turtle person


I’ve never sky dived but I have zoomed in real fast on google earth


September in New England: what a beautiful season, it’s amazing to see how vibrant nature can be as the warm respite of summer gives way to the elegant cool of autumn

November in New England: maybe if I get lucky that old dead maple will fall on me and kill me


My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?


When explaining to your mother how to work the volume on her phone, “there’s only 3 buttons” is apparently the wrong answer.

Expect a 20 minute rant.