@AnkCoupleTO

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

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@Marlebean

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

@TheToddWilliams

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

@TheBoydP

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

@ArfMeasures

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

@GirlRestrained

Hahaha stupid person… When it says 55mph it really means 64mph………Idiot turtle person

@mandystick71

I’ve never sky dived but I have zoomed in real fast on google earth

@portmanteauface

September in New England: what a beautiful season, it’s amazing to see how vibrant nature can be as the warm respite of summer gives way to the elegant cool of autumn

November in New England: maybe if I get lucky that old dead maple will fall on me and kill me

@skittle624

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

@Mechaniz10

When explaining to your mother how to work the volume on her phone, “there’s only 3 buttons” is apparently the wrong answer.

Expect a 20 minute rant.