She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
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Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
This could be us but you eatin’
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.