@shutupmay

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

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@Chelsea_Elle

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

@spaghetti_lips

Being an adult just means you don’t get rewarded anymore when you eat all your food. My nephew ate two chicken fingers and got rewarded with ice cream. I ate 5 and my mom said “I thought you were on a diet?”

@TheBoydP

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

@Brianhopecomedy

I texted my wife with “ROTFHAHA” & she replied with “LMAO” so I don’t think she understands that I’m having a heart attack.

@elunatyk

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

@kimt205

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

@skittle624

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

@2tickytacky

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

@Where__wolf

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

@wildethingy

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.