she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
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Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Stop being racist to kettles.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.