Come with me and I will help you realize your full insignificance.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream?
Me: It’s freezing outside.
4: I know. It won’t melt.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things
1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing
2. Always put on clean underwear before going out
3. Never snort black pepper
4. Always be kind
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.