@Donna_McCoy

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

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@Hammer_Toe

Come with me and I will help you realize your full insignificance.

@SkunkFarts

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

@fro_vo

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream?

Me: It’s freezing outside.

4: I know. It won’t melt.

@WheelTod

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

@skedaddle74

You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things

1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing

2. Always put on clean underwear before going out

3. Never snort black pepper

4. Always be kind

@ericsshadow

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

@david8hughes

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

@wickedblondeone

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.