She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
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The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Those are good neighbors.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Seek kebab; not attention
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
just left a huge legacy in there
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.