She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
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If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.