@JodingersCat
@portmanteauface
“This is where the magic happens”
– cliché
– kinda pervy
– false as you are not a wizard“Welcome to the jungle”
– metal af
– implies excellent musical taste
– accurate as you are 40 and live alone amongst myriad houseplants
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@portmanteauface
@WheelTod
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
@Carbosly
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
@sixfootcandy
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
@zachraffio
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
@daddydoubts
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
@13spencer
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
@TheCatWhisprer
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
@heckyessica
Monica just destroyed the internet
@GABBYdaAngSaya
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*