She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

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“This is where the magic happens”

– cliché
– kinda pervy
– false as you are not a wizard

“Welcome to the jungle”

– metal af
– implies excellent musical taste
– accurate as you are 40 and live alone amongst myriad houseplants



Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy


Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.



I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”


They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.


Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.


One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.


[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*