Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
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I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Alexa, make me look good naked.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?