She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
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I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
why am I working on Labor Day
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?