She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

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Everyone said it was a bad idea to store glue in the same cabinet as my rifles but I’m sticking to my guns.


It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.


[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*


Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.


Me: You can talk!


if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back


A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant


SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.


day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea


In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”


Fairly certain this toddler staring at me across this waiting room wants to start some shit.