@Jandalize

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

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@jazmasta

Everyone said it was a bad idea to store glue in the same cabinet as my rifles but I’m sticking to my guns.

@Tlapp1

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

@murrman5

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

@HandfulOfLewds

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

@billwurtz

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

@laughandrun

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

@TheLoinRanger

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

@WinningByARose

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

@JimGaffigan

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

@R0ckG0d88

Fairly certain this toddler staring at me across this waiting room wants to start some shit.