She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
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I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelg盲nger] haha you know it babe
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one鈥檚 cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That鈥檚 a dead giveaway.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 馃槀馃ぃ
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone鈥檚 way at the grocery store.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
When my kids are grown, I鈥檓 coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.