Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
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“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.