She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

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Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”


date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad


GF: I’m leaving you
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT


“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
“Please hold for the president.”


“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.


Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

It’s simple meth.


No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.


If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft