She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
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I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.