I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
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Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Me too
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”