*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
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I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup