Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
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Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Brands during Pride
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.