There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
She had her hair in a bun for two straight days. When she took it out, it didn’t move.
I wanted to call her on it.
…but after the death stare she gave me while I was eating that burrito, I thought better of it.
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Me: Hey, I’m here for the playdate.
Her: Where’s your son?
Me: Oh he didn’t want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?