She had her hair in a bun for two straight days. When she took it out, it didn’t move.

I wanted to call her on it.

…but after the death stare she gave me while I was eating that burrito, I thought better of it.

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There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.


Me: Hey, I’m here for the playdate.

Her: Where’s your son?

Me: Oh he didn’t want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..


Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?


Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.


2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.


me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*


Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.


Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die


Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?