She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
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Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts