Parents: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Parents: Mom and dad.
Me: Mom and dad who?
Parents: Exactly, you’re adopted son.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
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The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
A WOMAN: i’ve only been washing my hair
ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!!
THE WOMAN: once a
ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
I’ve never understood the whole ‘burying people for fun at the beach’. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Inside me are two wolves, I should’ve stopped eating after the first one.