She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
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Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
hi why am I like this
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.