@2tickytacky

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

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@WakeVII

Parents: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Parents: Mom and dad.
Me: Mom and dad who?
Parents: Exactly, you’re adopted son.
;'(

@MelvinofYork

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

@tarashoe

A WOMAN: i’ve only been washing my hair
ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!!
THE WOMAN: once a
ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!

@WetzelGeek

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

@zachreinert03

I’ve never understood the whole ‘burying people for fun at the beach’. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes

@AbbieEvansXO

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

@Snikoggs

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again