She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
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Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Yup.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please