She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
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my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.