The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
You Might Also Like
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
how long have you had this for?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
But that’s none of my business
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
(more comics:
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle