[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
You Might Also Like
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.