she has a point
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48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The photographer’s assistant
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Welcome
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die