You deplete me
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I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
[walks into 4D ultrasound office]
Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women
Me: I just want to see my burrito again
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Doctor: Are you on any antidepressants?
Me: You mean like nachos? Yes.