@calvinstowell

she has a point

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@Glittermepink5

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.

@TheAuthorGuy

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

@Mimiification

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

@TheDailySchmuck

Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”

@Mr_Kapowski

[walks into 4D ultrasound office]

Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women

Me: I just want to see my burrito again

@TonyWIVK

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

@batkaren

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”