Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
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Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.