@WilliamAder

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

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@Schindizzle

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

@LeviathanPride

Does North Korea remember what happened the last time a country attacked Hawaii?

@thedadvocate01

God: They’re called mosquitos

Angel: I see

God: They suck people’s blood

Angel: And this somehow helps preserve a delicate ecosystem?

God: *shrugs* Makes em itch

@JohnnyCrash5

Friend: How come you didn’t come to my babyshower?
Me: Oh I’m sorry but I passed away.

@TheAlexNevil

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

@mommajessiec

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

@envydatropic

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

@JasonNotEvil

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?