She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
You Might Also Like
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
It’s an epidemic…
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.