*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
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The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
True.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
The second world war should have been called world war returns
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.