My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
You Might Also Like
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.