@impJOKER

She: I wanna be alone for halloween.

Me: Yes, loans are very scary.

You Might Also Like

@Annekinns

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

@EvanJKessler

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

@Blakegarav

The human brain is so fascinating. It operates 24/7 from the day we were born and only stops when ur taking a test or talking to someone attractive.

@Ms612

Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you’re probably not making it out alive.

@MarfSalvador

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

@IamEnidColeslaw

I always keep at least 6 wigs in my trunk for trips to the grocery store so I can keep going back for samples

@CheeseDaydreams

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

@DaddyJew

*gets on scale*

*gets off to go poop*

*gets back on scale to see the same weight*

*looks down on poop* Pathetic

*flushes*

@TheAlexNevil

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.