When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
She: I wanna be alone for halloween.
Me: Yes, loans are very scary.
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[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Octopus after owning some1 in a rap battle
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
i look like i’m trying to get water out of my ears when i dance
Him: Wtf is wrong with you?
*remembers when I sold my soul to Satan for more Oreos
Me: I’m just really tired.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.