@impJOKER

She: I wanna be alone for halloween.

Me: Yes, loans are very scary.

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@junejuly12

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

@PaperWash

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

@baconacid

*drops mic*
*drops mic*
*drops mic*
*drops mic*
*drops mic*
*drops mic*
*drops mic*
*drops mic*
Octopus after owning some1 in a rap battle

@brendohare

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

@michael_raphone

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

@sucittaM

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

@SleazySli

i look like i’m trying to get water out of my ears when i dance

@Twtercide

Him: Wtf is wrong with you?

*remembers when I sold my soul to Satan for more Oreos

Me: I’m just really tired.

@bartandsoul

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.