*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
She: I wanna be alone for halloween.
Me: Yes, loans are very scary.
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Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
The human brain is so fascinating. It operates 24/7 from the day we were born and only stops when ur taking a test or talking to someone attractive.
When ur friends with white people
Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you’re probably not making it out alive.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I always keep at least 6 wigs in my trunk for trips to the grocery store so I can keep going back for samples
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
*gets on scale*
*gets off to go poop*
*gets back on scale to see the same weight*
*looks down on poop* Pathetic
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.