She invited me over for a romantic dinner and told me I was the dessert.

I wanted ice cream.

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Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball


Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.


I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?



Glad they redesigned Gmail—I’ve been dying to compose an email farther to the right.


I’m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.


god: why should i let u into heaven

me: for starters i didn’t invent heroin

god: what

me: i also didn’t invent wars, racism, poverty, cance-

god: ok i get it

me: mosquitoes


I’m pretty sure the chick at this drive thru had me repeat, ‘I’ll take a number two’, multiple times so she could laugh at me.


I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.


Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.