“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
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*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.