her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
“She is not fine.”
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ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
[lou bega voice] this is playstation number five
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I’m wanted (wanted):
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.