The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
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At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.