If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
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My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
“Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.” – John Lennon, the world’s worst Clue player
*explosiom of light*
*univrse is created*
*a grape fals off a vine adn drys*
evreythimg hapens for a raisin
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down