She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
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You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.