@stewnami

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

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@Smooheed

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

@Darlainky

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

@heatherlou_

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

@patnspankme

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

@Smooheed

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

@Home_Halfway

“Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.” – John Lennon, the world’s worst Clue player

@jonnysun

*explosiom of light*
*univrse is created*
*earth forms*
*plants grow*
*a grape fals off a vine adn drys*
evreythimg hapens for a raisin

@thrillhicks

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

@iwearaonesie

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down