Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@amishschool

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

@SwimmingTablets

Him: You seem nice.
Me: I do, don’t I?

@ClichedOut

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

@Token_Geezer

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

@3sunzzz

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

@Chhapiness

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

@ColoradoUgly

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

@TheTweetOfGod

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

@WheelTod

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight