She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

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My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.


I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.


Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers


It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.


Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid


Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?


*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number


Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight