[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
*seductively eats two tums*
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
After 35, your body ages in dog years