she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
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At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape