@tupactopus

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

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@ibid78

You, me, a bottle of wine, soft music, a picnic basket, a strange growl, a bear, a tree, coyotes, a rescue chopper, a hospital, dessert.

@LionJenkins

Me: *Wrong Turn
Siri: Recalculating Route
Me: *Wrong Turn
Siri: Recalculating Route
Me: *Wrong Turn
Siri: You’re on your own, Idiot.

@shariv67

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

@ellorysmith

huge congratulations to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep

@archerenemy

I still don’t understand why people say marriage is so hard when I’ve successfully completed 2 of them…

@burgerkrang

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

@Marlebean

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

@xmasape

If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft

@VinnieLovelace

Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn’t believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores