She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
This 4th of July, please remember…
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.